Young people often struggle to meet the conflicting expectations of parents, friends, teachers, and other authority figures, and can find it difficult to talk about what they’re going through. It’s common for them to bottle things up and, instead of talking about it, relieve the stress through some sort of disruptive behaviour.

In this video, Sally Lindsay shares advice from NHS mental health professionals on positive parenting strategies for the teenage years.

A parent's guide to understanding teenagers

Be curious rather than judgmental

The disruptive behaviour of teenagers is often dismissed as ‘attention seeking,’ but there is often a complex emotional issue at the heart of it. Rather than being judgmental, try to be curious and compassionate about what’s behind it.

It’s important to remember that teenage brains are still forming, which means it’s a lot harder for them to think rationally than it is for adults. It’s our job as parents to guide them as much as possible and act as role models, while still giving them the space to discover and learn from their own experiences.

How to begin a conversation with a troubled or troublesome teenager

  • Be specific about a particular incident or behaviour that you’re concerned about rather than generalising.
  • Tell them what you have noticed, why you’re concerned about it, and ask how they’re doing.
  • Let them know that you’re there to support them and want to help.
  • If they don’t want to talk to you, encourage them to talk to someone else they trust and with whom they may have less of an emotional connection.
  • Text messages and emojis can help ease you in if the conversation is difficult at first.

Some things to avoid

  • Sentences that start with the word ‘you’ can put people on the defensive. It’s better to start with ‘I,’ such as ‘I’ve noticed’ or ‘I’m concerned about…’
  • Their behaviour may seem irrational to you, but it’s important to take them seriously and avoid undermining the importance of the issue or their feelings.
  • Don’t dismiss it as ‘just a phase’ or think the problem will go away if ignored.
  • If they open up to you, don’t rush in with all the answers. Just listening and being supportive will make a huge difference.

Find the right balance

As much as they might resist them, teenagers need boundaries, but finding the right balance between keeping them safe and giving them independence is never easy. One of the hardest skills as a parent is knowing when to insist and when to indulge them, but many parents find that doing a bit of both by establishing hard and soft lines builds trust and helps teenagers get used to taking responsibility.

Guidance for setting boundaries

  • Remember that teenagers and parents mostly want different things. Where teenagers want freedom and fun, parents want them to stay safe and make good decisions. Focus on finding middle ground that works for both.
  • It helps to be open and honest with each other about feelings and concerns and to learn to make agreements rather than impose expectations.
  • Making agreements that allow them some freedom but include responsibilities such as homework, exercise, or chores can help you find the right balance. Be prepared to negotiate.
  • Ensure the boundaries are realistic, reasonable, and communicated clearly. Be clear about unacceptable behaviours and the consequences of breaking boundaries.
  • Young people may push boundaries, so be consistent and stick to agreements. Following through on consequences shows that boundaries are important.

Give them space to grow

The teenage years are when we begin to establish our identity and feel most insecure and easily influenced by others. Be mindful of their feelings, support them when they struggle, and respect their personal space and privacy.

Tips for supporting a teenager’s journey into adulthood

  • Encourage them to make their own choices about their style and identity.
  • Support them in finding their own solutions to problems by acting as a sounding board rather than solving things for them. Sharing your experiences helps them learn to make good decisions.
  • Respect their boundaries, including their bedroom, personal possessions, friendships, and interests, unless you have a strong reason to intervene, such as safety concerns.
  • If you are concerned about their behaviour and considering searching their room, visit our dedicated page on How to establish trust and boundaries with a teenager.
  • If you need to discuss their behaviour, avoid sharing details of their private lives with others unless absolutely necessary.

Some additional resources that may help

 Download a printable version of this advice